#30in30 2016, Day Twenty-Nine: She Knows Who She Is

In the end, maybe it was me
my insecurity
that caused the friendship I valued
to seep through my fingers
and into the hands of someone else
Crazy to me, how this all started
random conversation about dumb opinions
suddenly, you were something
that I looked forward to
started thinking I'd move forward with you

Crazy, the chemistry we had
or maybe it's convenient reminiscing
and what I remember as giggles
is you laughing at me
Maybe I wasn't that funny after all
Maybe knowing that, I could've stopped my fall
but it's a lie to suggest it's that easy
you were the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen
smile went off like the flash of a thousand cameras
twinkle in your eyes, joy in your spirit
when you whispered, I stressed my ears to hear it
You brown skin, a cococure to my lonely wounds
Said my name like it meant something to you
still, I always felt I had something to prove

How was it you even took notice of me?
No one like you ever gave me the time of day
Someone that beautiful, kind, intelligent
clearly wanted something - you weren't here for I
still foolishly, thought I could make you mine
Phone calls til 3 in the morning
You knew what to say and I hated you made me hor...
Said they called you a sexual creature
I understood why but that wasn't your best feature
The aura you got was bound to attract others
I saw it happen and I fell back
last time I saw friends connect like that,
my homeboy stole one I cared for behind my back

You can't shake when someone has hooks in you
to be honest, I hated that, too -
how we could pick right up where we left off
How I couldn't just brush you off
I was sure I was nothing more than convenient
Who am I to you? What's the whole meaning?
I liked you, BAD - couldn't fight the feeling
Did it cost me you, to remain silent,
did you even notice when I went quiet?
So many suitors, maybe I hate competition
Didn't trust my thoughts, so I never went fishing
Brown skin girl with the brilliant smile
Friend of mine with the mind that drove me wild
I look dumb right now, unable to say aloud
so I put it on the paper to say I tried.
Rather than admit I was afraid, it's easier to lie.

#30in30 2016, Day Twenty-Eight: In Your Arms

It was hard today.
I don't know how I made it through
It's been a lot of days this way lately,
tearing me to pieces

But I'm thankful for you
in the stormy seasons
You are my rock
When I'm in your arms,
I feel renewed

This world is crazy
Love is low and hate is high
they love to kill these dreams of mine
I'm pretty sure I'd lose my mind

But you
There's safety in your arms
And I can take my armor off
And be vulnerable for once
I lay yourself in bare in your arms
and I let you take care.

#30in30 2016, Day Twenty-Seven: Her Favorite Thing

You could just take me back
You should just get over that
That shit was in the past

You know you missing me, too
Ain't no sense in going through
and giving both of us the blues

You know I'm your favorite thing
I know I made my mistake
But you should love me anyway
Nobody will be as good to you

You must think I'm cocky now
but just 'cause things are rocky now,
that's no reason to shut it down

I know that I hurt you
I promise I really didn't mean to
Just tell me what I gotta do
to get back to being

Your favorite thing
You know I'm your cure for lonely
Come and accept my sorry, baby
I'll never again drive you crazy...

#30in30 2016, Day Twenty-Six: Play Your Part

As I stare in the mirror,
I tell myself I'm better than this
I tell myself get it together for this
This isn't me
but this is what people want to see

So I put on the mask
And I play this part
I give them a show
so they never see my heart
And on the inside, I'm kinda sad
but you can't give them a peek
They'd rather see you mean

Vulnerability will be the death of me
The emotional man is not high in demand
They want suppression instead of Confessions
don't want love - just sex sessions
can't be honest - lies get her wetter
The worst side of you, is received better
Don the mask, play the role, get yours
The motto now, where you were genuine before
But that never got you anywhere
You adapted - abandoned your nice guy flare
for something darker to wear

You feel sick, but you look good
This ain't you but to them, it looks good
So will the real ever come out again?
Possibly not, if being real never got you friends
So I put on the mask
and I play this part
And I hope it's enough now
... but I still miss who I was.

#30in30 2016, Day Twenty-Five: Handle With Care

You should come with a label that reads
"Handle with care."
Not because you are fragile,
but because you have had to be so strong
for so long,
no one could ever tell that you
are capable of breaking.
That you could fall to pieces at any time
and because we couldn't detect the signs
because you wear the weights you carry
so damn well.

You are not a trophy, though some insist
that you might be
some call you "Queen" without no understanding
of what it means or your regality.
You are a maelstrom, a storm on legs
not because you are a destructive force
but because you are a naturally occurring
assembly of the elements... and sometimes you react
and most people can't handle that.

Though you are sometimes called outspoken,
you don't always feel heard.
You have risen and fallen, yet your wings aren't broken;
and even if they were,
you would be the most beautifully flawed woman.
You should be handled with care
And yes, your power incites such a scare
but having been the safe harbor for others so often,
you, too, deserve comfort somewhere.

#30in30 2016, Day Twenty-Four: Fences

I would fight for you
but you gotta bend, babe
I ain't wasting my energy
if you see me as the enemy
I ain't trying to hurt you
I'm not the bad guy
I'm not the last guy
That's what they all say, but

I'm not scared of your fences
You've got up your defenses
You gotta trust me eventually
Or you're gonna lose me

And maybe that's cool for you
but I ain't through with you
Just wanna move with you
If you ain't tryna move on
Your heart's at the top of the mountain
I got climbing gear
I ain't going nowhere
unless you don't want me here

I'm not scared of your fences
I'll risk falling when it comes to you
But you have to let me in
You have to want me to win
I'm not fighting a losing battle

#30in30 2016, Day Twenty-Three: Foreplay

Why are you in such a rush?
I want this moment just as much,
if not more than you
I want to savor your touch
Feel your fingers rest in mine,
hold on for dear life

Can we enjoy this ride?
Can I enjoy this time, with you?
Don't let it pass us by
Trying to get to the sweet spot
The culmination
The exhalation
The elevation
It'll come shortly

Let me look into your eyes
Take in your dimples
The melody in your giggle
Pick your brain
so I can learn your favorite things
what turns you on, and sets you off
and makes you blue - yes, all of you

These seconds are appetizers
And where we end, is the main course
but I just want to appreciate you
every fragment, every piece
every personality trait
every element of your face
Can we stay in this place, just a while?

#30in30 2016, Day Twenty-Two: II the One I Love (Pt. Two)

You would've never changed
If This World Were Mine
I just wish you would
Give Me The Reason
why you changed your style for them
your smile for them
I guess that's the Power Of Love
or public adoration, at best
I can't Take You Out
I ain't Too Proud to Beg for you back
I miss the old you

These days, you're a different person
U Got It Bad for the wrong types,
an Appetite for the Spotlight
and this might be our Final Goodbye
Damn, and I hate to lose you
You were a Good Kisser - I used to
Come to Give to You
but now, you ain't nothing but Seduction
We used to take it Nice & Slow
but now you've sped it up
and you're everybody's Lil' Freak now

Silly me - you've moved on and here I am
Only You are the one I want
Cupid needs to let me be,
'cause you don't wanna Stay With Me
You just wanna be, everybody's Peaches & Cream
You let them eat you up
then they beat you up - it's Pleasure and Pain
What's crazy is they're using you
and U Already Know and let them Knock You Down
Do you even realize you're timeless?
I can't even use the 1-1-2, to get through to you...

#30in30 2016, Day Twenty-One: Let You Go (On Purpose)

I tried to warn you, man
I told you she wouldn't let this stand

You got comfortable
and she had had enough
she stopped telling herself it was love
and realized she could be tough
and stand up to you
and didn't have to take what you put her through

She gon' let you go, on purpose
One day, you will look back
Expecting her to follow you
but she's left for her own path

All the times you apologized
then did it again, so it's like you lied
You thought she was twisted over you
never imagined that she'd break loose
Now you asking her to take you back
And she's been down this road before
but she's not who she was -
no, now she knows what she is worth

And you ask her why she giving up
You don't understand she made a choice
You put her through the worst
and now, she's decided to put herself first
And you're like "damn
baby, wait - I can get my act together"
She replies, "You been tryna fix that, for years -
if it's up to you, I'll be waiting forever"

Don't lose your good thing
Thinking she gon be there when you get back
All the things you did, thinking she ignored it
She was just waiting to let you go, on purpose

#30in30 2016, Day Twenty: Peace With A Ghost

I think I made peace with a ghost today.

You see, I never truly forgot
how you made me feel -
the good as well as the bad.
How you were the first to make me think
I was special,
and the first to break me beyond repair.
And so I checked myself into Rehab,
I wrote a couple things about it.
And you inspired a few pieces, a novella, too.
I wonder if you ever read them,
knowing any were the product of you.

Because of the damage done, I don't trust
I hold everyone at bay - I shun love for lust
I struggle with thinking I'm good enough
because I was an antelope to a Lioness
I prayed with you and you preyed on me
and it's not your fault - the blame's on me
You can do anything in the world,
except get by on unrequited chemistry

I taught myself to forget you
but still you lurked in my mind's recesses
You've since moved on, gotten married even
yet my insecurities remain in your possession
You "like" what I write but you never believed
I guess that's what gets me -
How is it that now, you acknowledge my existence
but when I had you, you never noticed my persistence?
So I wish you well, in your new life
And I hope this is
the last thing I write, about you
because if not, I'll be trapped forever
Bitterness is a fitted suit I've worn too long
and it's time I find new clothes.

I hope today I made peace with a ghost.

#30in30 2016, Day Nineteen: Hit Me Where It Hurts

My mistake for thinking you were different
The signs were there
I didn't care
My mistake for thinking if I grew up,
you'd go with me
Not leave me be

I shouldn't miss you
but here we are
I should've never let this go this far
This is why I don't let people in
Every time I do, I never win

I saw it coming from every direction but you
when I think about the ends I went to
the effort I devoted, the money I spent
Betrayal, I can overlook from others
but you had my heart
and you tore it apart

You don't owe me anything
but I was devoted to you
And you were the one I thought I knew
Thought you cared and I was so damn wrong
I'm left here with my thoughts, all alone

#30in30 2016, Day Eighteen: Overanalysis Number One

Why do I keep writing?
Why do I keep fighting?
It seems so pointless
Y'all don't never notice me
Y'all never read anything

Pour my soul out for validation
Hope my pen gives education
Sitting here thinking I got the talent
But talent won't get you looks
Talent won't get you love

When it will be enough?
Do I have to be tough?
Thought my words would make me
But my spirit's breaking
How can I dare to be an author
if my pages are untouched?

See, I been doing the write thing,
Hoping it's the right thing
But maybe I've been doing it wrong...

#30in30 2016, Day Seventeen: Contact High

I met her at the house party
Pretty thang had her eyes on me
Thought I was the first to peep
but I was wrong
I made my way over to her
She got cozy up against me
And she kept me company

It's so active all around us
The music is so loud
But it's something about her
that makes everything quiet down
I get lost up in her eyes
and gives me her slow motion
It's a contact high-
I ain't ever felt so alive

We connected when we danced
but I'm curious about her
She just takes my hand
and leads me outside
She says she feels the attraction
Do I feel it, too?
Gravity is pulling me to you

It's a party and they're wild here
but right now it's me and her
The music's thumping loudly
but we're in our own little world
She says she just came for fun
and then she ran into me
We floating on a contact high
Can't come down - let's get outta here

#30in30 2016, Day Sixteen: The Carousel

There goes another one - this ride is no fun
He let her hope - left her up in smoke
and it's on to another one

New man, this one got potential - Impressive credentials
He just might make it but then
Baby mama drama, and his money ain't right
She gotta move to the next one

She losing faith
this love game goes round and round
she's getting weary
tryna find something steady

He seems legit - she resists, but he won't quit
His persistence is different
Uh-oh - breaking news: he's got a couple screws loose
Maybe she's just not fit to choose

Up down, up down - her heart in a cycle
And she just wants someone worthy of the title
round and round she goes

Romantically hopeless
suitors become less and less
her jadedness more and more
love takes a toll
hopefully her next ride's the last

#30in30 2016, Day Fifteen: Excavation

Heard you got a problem
Baby, let me fix it
Something you been lacking
Fingers tracing down your back
Let me work out your kinks
Let me set you free
When the world breaks you down,
I will break you off and
I will dig in deep

Say you got an emptiness -
let me fill it in
Let me dive into you
Baby, we can sin
Then we can repent,
then I'll get right back to
digging right on in

Say you got an itch
And it needs some scratching
Say you need a nut
Well, we can get it cracking
Ain't no competition
I've got just one mission
to undress you of your distress

Open yourself up
and I won't let you down
I'ma do you diligently
'Til the sweetest sighs come down
Inhale all your rain
to where I almost drown
I'll make sure you glow when
I'm done digging into you

#30in30 2016, Day 14: II the One I Love

We used to tiptoe
Footsteps in the Dark
as we made our way
Between the Sheets
We used to hold hands
walk in the park in a Summer Breeze
I hate water, but you took me on a cruise
We took a Voyage to Atlantis
I used to love you back then and I love you still
Make Me Say It Again, how much my love is real

We parted ways and I went through
Four Seasons of Loneliness
I sat and watched the Water Run Dry
on whatever we had
Remember how I used to Make Love to You?
Nah, this can't be The End of the Road
I just need One Sweet Day
to make up for all the Trying Times
You used to Ooh Aah, just for me
I really, really miss the way you used to be

You used to be my bestfriend
then you stopped singing bout Love
You started loving sex more,
so I was your B.U.D.D.Y.
But it drove me HalfCrazy
I thought you were the type that DontChange
but you proved me wrong
Used to be "Aijuswannasang"
Now you just wanna fuck
I wish we could get backtowhere we were
for a momentinlife but you ain't
the girl I fell in love with, no more

#30in30 2016, Day Thirteen: The Placeholder

Looking around at me at this party
everybody's got somebody
but me
That's why I don't like going out
I don't like the reminders
of being lonely
You gotta get along by yourself
before you can ever
appreciate somebody else
But I'm so single right now
so damn single
somebody help

Somebody fill in the space
next to me
Don't gotta love me
Don't even gotta like me
Just be
right
here
With me
for a minute or two

Liquor makes me warm
since I can't rest in her arms
It's pathetic, I know
I watch them dance and enjoy
each other's company while I'm
at the bar solo
You gotta appreciate the moments
you have on your own
before a companion comes along
But I've been here this whole time
and nobody's noticed me
It's killing me

Somebody hug me from behind
or kiss me upfront
Don't gotta feel me
Don't even gotta chill with me
Just act
like
you
might care
'Til this loneliness pass

#30in30 2016, Day Twelve: On Christians

It takes bravery to be a Christian
when nobody prays these days
And everybody judges anybody,
and we're all stuck in our ways
We go to The Book, select our verses
and use these verses, to make our curses
"You don't love God, or you wouldn't do this!"
As if every thing we do is in accordance with Him
But my God loves first, and condemns second -
Who are you to say who's gonna get to Heaven?

It takes bravery to be a Christian
when you gotta watch what you say
The mantle of being an example
is a hefty price to pay
It's sacrifices you know you gotta make
Seems like everybody watching for your mistakes
"You say you a Christian? Why you getting drunk?"
The smallest sin feels like the lowest you've ever sunk
Miss church once, it's held against you for the year
Accountability ain't the issue - it's the pedestal from your peers

It takes bravery to be a Christian
You're pretty much a rebel
In a godless world,
you carry Him with you like a medal
Bad things happen and you trust His will
Don't get what you wanted - you trust Him still
"Where's your God when this is going on?"
You don't have the answers, but acknowledge it feels wrong
Keeping your Faith is a test every day
You put your full belief in something you've never seen
This following Christ thing - it ain't for the weak

#30in30 2016, Day Eleven: Black Boy Rumble

I wear a suit, won't sag my jeans
slacks and a shirt to the casual things
Demeanor so quiet, so I never seem mean
No misdemeanors on my record, keep my nose clean
Hair cut short, facial hair trimmed
They always said, "Man, look at him!"
And that soon became, "He's not like them!"
Disproving stereotypes was my battle hymn

And yet
For all I do
They'll still convict me
I may prevail
but it's only when I fail
that they'll notice me

No athletic talent so I work out for the balance
I never back down - I embrace every challenge
Limited resources but I always manage
so at the end of it all, I remain standing
They call my people dumb, so I beefed up my brain
I boosted my intelligence so I could play the game
Survive through evolution, so when I needed to, I changed
I keep working so things won't stay the same

And yet their stares
give them away
They don't really want me here
I play the part
but the world leaves me with scars
they won't rest until I lose what I hold dear

Always be useful, don't let em put you on the shelf
If everybody else hates you, at least love yourself
Never fly too close to the sun, lest your wings melt
And tomorrow never promised, so speak from the heart
Expect success though they doubt you from the start
It was never gone be easy, but they love to make it hard
Threaten em with excellence if they dare to kill you with the lead
Rumble, black boy, rumble - never let em in your head

#30in30 2016, Day Ten: curEYEosity

It's something about your eyes.
Brown - the color of coffee beans.
And they produce the same effect:
They're awakening.
But they're cloudy - I can't explain why
Something in them is lost
Is it you? Or something you don't want found?

Maybe that's why you wear contacts,
not to change your eyes from brown to green,
but because they're the best for concealing
And maybe you wear glasses
So I'm forced to see myself looking at you
You must notice me staring
Searching
Seeking
Wishing
To get a peek in

Won't you share it with me?
You can trust me, you know
I don't know what you're afraid of,
but I'm not like those before
And you've heard that before,
And I should leave you alone,
but your eyes tell me stay -
Those brown irises say, "Wait."

So I don't move
I take in all of you
And I'm always led right back to
Your lovely brown eyes
You don't have to hide from me

#30in30 2016, Day Nine: Whatever Keeps You from Drowning

I can't swim but
I've been thrust into the water
Out here with no paddle
No boat
No life vest
I'm drifting
Not sure how I haven't started
Drowning

I don't like this feeling at all
Being carried by the waves
'Cause I can't swim on my own

If I flail my arms
it'll make it worse
Thought I'd survive
Didn't think far enough
Kinda like fallin in love
You dive in and
then
it
hits you

High tide's rising, coming at me
I thought I was brave
I feel my fate staring me in the face
I pray that I'm not washed away

Feet start kicking, just keep moving
Don't stop moving, legs keep moving
I can't swim on my own
But I'm still here, drifting afloat
Maybe I'm not so alone

#30in30 2016, Day Eight: The UnCool

She said she want somebody
she can be cool with
But I ain't never been cool before
I really want to make this work
I'm really attracted to her
But I ain't never been cool before

When I'm with her, I know she sees it
Hears me stutter, notices my awkwardness
I hate it
I try to hold open doors
I try to make sure she's comfortable
I'm sure I look like a fool

Being me is all I know how to be
I hope being me is enough to be
Because being cool ain't just ain't me
I'm hoping that my trying counts
I've never been the type to lie
So I won't even try to be cool

Maybe I can change her mind
Maybe I can wow her otherwise
That's what I tell myself
Because I know she's used to the cool types
and I ain't never been cool
Maybe I'm setting myself up for failure

#30in30 '16, Day Seven: The Game Change-Her

I swore off this feeling
'cause how it did me the last time,
it broke me
I didn't expect you to come along
You kinda threw off
my whole strategy
Got me thinking maybe I was wrong

I don't trust nobody with my heart, no
I shut these kinda things down before they start
But it's something about you
that makes me want to try

I wasn't looking for no one
I wasn't trying to fall in love again
This ain't love, but it's that feeling
the one I swore off, trying to creep back in
I didn't expect you
to have that effect on me
But you got me believing

I never wanted to put my heart on the line
Not again, not after the last time
But you make me feel like
With you, it might be worth a try

#30in30 2016, Day Six: The Price is Right

I saw her before me,
a ballerina on the stage
She gyrated, rotated,
pirouetted temptation and grace
My eyes followed her moves
She seemed to watch me
When she finished her dance,
She crept up behind me

She whispered in my ear

Do you want this? You can have it.
I'll do anything you like
Nothing's off the table, you can enable
it all for the right price

I fell for her seduction
Into my pockets I dug
Up against my body she rubbed
The next song played,
but she didn't get up
She was on a mission
She had me caught up in a feeling
I felt something in me rising up

She put a hand in my lap and said

I don't really do this - I can prove it
But for you, I really wanna do it
I can tell that you like the way I move it
For the right price, I might let you... it

... and that's when I ran out of money.

#30in30 '16, Day Five: The Pledge

Believe in me, just the one time

I won't let you down

Give me my one shot

Let me prove your doubts wrong

I ain't the strongest dog in the fight

I ain't the definition of might

I won't pretend to be, something I ain't

But I will be

Exactly what you need

What you've waited for

What you've sought

I'll give it all to you,

All I've got

Your expectations are lofty

But I'll rise to the occasion

Baby, you've consistently, had ordinary

I promise I'll give you amazing

Believe in me - that's all I ask

One opportunity, to be the one that lasts

Let me be your light

Let me make it right

Some have come before me

All have failed

What they did before me, I don't care

I'm here for one thing only -

To give you amazing

#30in30 2016, Day Four: How to Hate

Lie enough times
Break a couple promises
Say enough words to make her return,
Then make her feel useless
Tell her that she's beautiful
but, not beautiful enough.
Do enough of this and you
can teach a woman how to hate love.

Listen to her dreams
but, give her nightmares of losing you
Tell her she means the world
Never run out of problems to put her through
Put her heart through the ringer and
never put a ring on her finger
Do enough of this and bear witness,
as a woman learns how to hate love.

'Cause when a woman starts hating love,
you can't get her back to what she was before
It's not that she's "hurt" - she's just learned
The patience that she once had, is no more
All the damage done took a toll on her
Battle scars all over her chest
Just getting her trust again,
is a whole other kind of test.

Easier then, to add to the lore
Be another bad man that she adds to the score
Stress her out
Make her lose sleep over you
Never respect her,
And she won't know better, but to choose you
Do all these and victory is yours -
you'll show a woman how to hate love

#30in30 '16, Day Three: Sanctuary

I say my prayers in the written word

Some people consider church a saving grace,

But Microsoft Word is My Space,

my place - to hide the emotions I can't share

because the times when I do,

my heart and my mind is placed in someone else's care

And no one is trustworthy enough to carry

the burden that I bring

No mortal can fairly handle these things

So, I use my pen to exorcise my feelings

Purge my heart like it's full of demons

And if you see the mess I've made, 

I hope you don't judge it

I hope you never ask if it's true,

and therefore, force me to lie to you

Far as you know, these are just verbs

Enjoined with nouns, adjectives, and a rhyme scheme

Only one place deserves what's in my head - 

Where others always condemn, the page protects me

#30in30 '16, Day Two: 60 Seconds

It's crazy how everything can change in a given minute
In sixty seconds, I had your fullest attention
A minute later, the magic ended
The minute after, we might as well just have pretended

Crazy, to have known you pretty much forever
I figured that we would always be together
I didn't think anything could tear us apart
Especially something so small as a simple thought

But paranoia got the best of me
Saw you with him and it made me start questioning
So I brought my question up to you
No, that's not true - more like I demanded proof

You took it personally, and you were right to
Long as we'd functioned, how I could I doubt you, right?
When I said I'd always be about you, right?
So what was up with me suddenly being loud with you, right?

And when I made the accusation, I knew it was dumb
Thing was, I always worried the day would come
When you'd wake up and realize that you
could do better - that I was far from the best you could do

For years, we were friends, in good times and bad
And in a single minute, I ruined everything we had
I should've trusted you, shouldn't have said a thing -
My insecurity was the collapse of you and me.

#30in30 '16, Day One: Role Play

I can't believe I let myself get played
Again
I can't believe you thought I would be okay
In this role
By your side, but you ain't mine
I done done my time
Still, you only call me when you need something
Might as well lose my line

I'm tired of playing the background
Tired of being your friend
Sick that you won't notice me
Like I haven't been there from the beginning
I ain't nobody's fool but my own
Stay staring at you when you ain't looking my way
I don't know why I continue to stay
While you keep me in the background

Seen these suitors come and go,
Watched them all crash and burn
You called me after every time,
Asking if you should've seen the signs
Instead of being honest, I lied
Protected your heart at the cost of my pride
But who I am to you?
Who am I am to you?

I'm just the man you keep in the background
Out of the pictures, out of sight
I don't know why, I always think it's cuz you think
I ain't good enough to share the light
And I can't say what I want us to be,
Because you'd just ignore me
Hate I can't get away because you've established my place:
In the background while you play.