#30in30 2019, Day 14: Weak Spot

You just needed to know that
you could still get under my skin
Not that I thought the worst of you
Foolishly, I tend to see
the best in everyone
But you always find a way
to throw me off my game

In my head, I believed that you
took a sort of pleasure in it
Savored me second-guessing
Enjoyed pushing my buttons
And I hate it
I hate that, even when
I don't want you to know,
you know

I always keep my composure
But it terrifies me
That you have all the ammunition
if anyone ever wanted to open fire on me

#30in30 2019, Day 13: Going Out Sad

I can't lie to the bottle
It's gon see me staring inside

With every single swallow
I'ma try to leave my sadness behind

I don't know what I thought it was
but it ain't that at all

I'ma drink it all away
while I can

Gulp down all this pain
to a point I won't be able to stand

I'ma let the liquor, pull me through
and keep drinking until I forget you

#30in30 2019, Day 12: Malnutrition

There's something I've been missing
And I can't put a finger on it
No idea what it looks like
No idea what it tastes like
even though it's on the tip of my tongue

I know what I think it is but
I have no way of knowing for sure
You can't name what you never had
You can't know good if all you know is bad
I just know it's not there

This emptiness that's inside of me
Is it the fact that my dreams are dying?
Is it that I haven't found the one?
Is it that I'm running out of time to run?
I have no clue

All I can say is that I'm hungry
for something I've never tasted before
I'm starving for something more

#30in30 2019, Day 11: Repeat Offender

Here I am on trial again

Different court, same allegation

Cause I'm always the wrong one,

I'm always the target of accusations

And you're always the right one

You're always so damn perfect

Let you tell it, I gave you hell

and you and I were never worth it

I'm sick of it, I really am

Some of it is my fault, but not all

You'd put the entire blame on me

Never admitting you, too, dropped the ball

We will look back on this years from now

Because hindsight makes things clearer

I'll reach the conclusion I always do:

if you love them, don't let them come nearer

Because if I am guilty of anything

I'm guilty of caring too damn much

And I am being punished once again

for doing the most in the name of love

#30in30 2019, Day 10: One of Two Things I'm Afraid Of

I know you must hate me right now
or maybe I'm thinking too much of myself
and not enough about you
and maybe that sums up us
I got distant or you got distant
or you took my hints
and kept your distance

It seemed like the best idea at the time
I didn't even have to cheat or lie
All I had to do was convince you
that I just wasn't feeling it
When really I was deep in it
and everything was telling me
your feelings for me barely went up to your knee

A nigga will say he's fearless
He'll jump out of a plane with ease
He'll say neither bullets nor bears
nor lions nor death will ever make him scared
But a nigga pushed you away
Because good things never come his way and stay
And he was terrified you'd do the same

#30in30 2019, Day 9: Lifeline

Could you use a lifeline?

If you felt like you were drowning
and the world was swallowing you up
and it wasn't that you didn't know how to swim
but the pressure and the waves were too rough

Could you use a lifeline?

If it got so dark around you
that you needed someone, anyone to call
but you didn't want the judgment from friends
or to risk amusing strangers, or anyone else at all?

Could you use a lifeline?

when it got hard.
when you felt stuck.
when you felt abandoned and neglected
and like you were down on your luck.

I would like to try
to reassure you, to motivate
when the world is cruel, to show you kindness
to protect you and remind you that you are great

Can I be your lifeline?

#30in30 2019, Day 8: You Are Far Too Kind

To all the ones whoever said
I wasn't worth it
I wouldn't make it
I couldn't do it
I was delusional
I must be crazy
I was good, but not good enough

I say
thank you
I appreciate your kind words to me
your support made this possible
I have used your encouragement
and your motivational speeches
to be the greatest me
I could possibly be

Thank you for your consideration
In part because of your donation
to my mind and spirit,
I have worked harder than ever
I have ascended
I am still ascending
I always heard that it sucked
to have people who hate on you
so I am so grateful I never had haters
I am so grateful for people like you
who left me behind.
But you don't dare come back now.

#30in30 2019, Day 7: Weak

They convinced you that you were weak
and you believed it
They said it so many times,
that their opinion became your fact
Their opinion influenced your every act
and you almost apologized
because they never let you forget
and their loudness made you meek

But weak people don't survive
the things you have been through
And though your tears were many,
you're still here - still, you stand
Despite nothing going according to plan
Your supporters were few and your critics, aplenty
You fought through it all, because you had to
They don't tell you're amazing - you're just grateful you're still alive

Say it with me: you are not weak
Even the strongest person you know will stumble
Hard winds will blow you back in life
Challenges will break your spirit
But you are NOT weak - hear me when I say it
You will not always suffer, it will not always be strife
You have been molded by pressure that would make others crumble
You've climbed so far, with all your scars, so keep going - you're almost at the peak

#30in30 2019, Day 6: Closed Off

They often tell me I stay in

my shell or they'll say I'm

introverted which must be

strange because how can someone so

"popular" be so to himself all

the time. The truth is I have

learned to look out for me in spite

of giving the best of me to others. I

had to learn before I got burned

or maybe because the fire left

scars I haven't dealt with and since I

haven't dealt with them I cannot deal

with you. I'm not closing myself off

to you, I just don't know what you

would do if I let you walk through my

door, into my heart, into

my mind but I know what I would do

if you turned out to be untrustable too. So

the next time you ask why I don't share my

feelings, know I'm alone because I need to be

#30in30 2019, Day 5: If I Had Known

If I had known that time
would be the last time
I would like to think
I would've handled it differently
I would like to think
I would've let you know
Exactly how I felt

If I had known that night
I would see you angry
and never see you smile again
I would've said it was all bullshit
I would've said, while I was mad,
it didn't matter
and I still cared
and I still wanted you there

If I had known those words
would be the last you'd hear from me
I would've said I was sorry
It wasn't about who was to blame
I know the finger had to be pointed
in the moment
But if I had known
I'd lose you forreal tomorrow
after feeling like I lost an argument today
I would've found better things to say
I wouldn't have pushed you away

But I didn't know
and now you'll never know, either

#30in30 2019, Day 4: In Session I

You know I'm a good listener
I'll follow your directions
If you tell me what you want
What you really want

I tend to be a nice guy
But I'm not gonna be nice tonight
Because that ain't what you want
And that ain't gonna get you right

Atop the counter
Against the wall
Up in my arms
You said you wanted it all
Arched and spread
Fingertips down your back
Around your neck
Only you can tell me when to stop
But I know you won't
Cause that's what you want
Ain't that what you want?

Push your limits til I make you sing
The taste of you is my favorite thing
It's what I get when I give you
what you really want

#30in30 2019, Day 3: The Company You Keep

You better watch your back
There's snakes in the grass
The people you thought you knew,
might be the people out to get you

Am I paranoid right now?
Am I losing all my mind?
Is insecurity catching up to me,
or is it just that now I really see

You would never betray
You were always a safe space
You always kept the faith
And they smiled in your face

But they were waiting
For the chance to take you down
And you gave them your trust
But they were just tryna get close enough

Oh, they got you!
They got you - your kindness, your weakness
Look not behind you, but beside you
Betrayed by the one you called your friend.

#30in30 2019, Day 2: Two Words

Hands up!

Don’t shoot!

Hands up!

Officer, wait!

Be quiet!

But, sir-

Be quiet.

License please.

Alright, I-

Careful there!

Okay, Officer.

We left-

From where?

A party.

Alcohol there?

Some, yes. 

Flash light.

You drank?

Not I.

License please.

Let me-

Suspect found.

I’m sorry?

Car matches.

Matches what?

Break in.

But I-

Step out

We just-

The car.

Do I-

Sir, again.

Look like

Get out!

A burglar

The car

To you?

I’ll shoot!

Okay, okay

Slowly, sir

You don’t

Turn around

Let me

Hands behind

Explain, please

Your head!

Okay, just

Don’t move!

I’m just

I said

Putting my

Hands up!

This is

Don’t, sir!

All just

Don’t, sir!

I’ll shoot!!

A misunderstanding

Two shots.

Two words.

One hashtag.

Once more.

#30in30 2019, Day 1: Until The Lesson is Learned

They say you supposed to give

Everyone a chance

Every person brings their own song,

So every person deserves their own dance

That’s why I gave you yours

Opened my heart to you and you shut the door

And it’s no one else’s fault but mines because

The lesson repeats until the lesson is learned

The lesson repeats until the lesson is learned

Guess it’s my at-bat again

Another caught my eye that I want

I’m not gon mess up this time,

fight back the past failures that try to haunt

Swung for the fences with all my might

She laughed and told me, “Not tonight”

Silly me, because I believed - and I forgot

The lesson repeats until the lesson is learned

The lesson repeats until the lesson is learned

So take your heart and

Lock it up

People gon tell you, “don’t give up”

But you’ll never get this thing called love

And if you dare to take the risk,

I pray you learn from my mistakes

I pray you get it before it’s too late that

The lesson repeats until the lesson is learned

So heed the lesson - you have been warned