#30in30 '14, Day 18: She Was Eighteen When It Happened

She was eighteen when it happened.
And she never told a soul.
She was afraid it was the type of thing that would
haunt her until she grew old.
In one fell swoop, all of her dreams and desires
changed in a matter of minutes.
She couldn't take it back once it had been put out there.
She wondered at the time if her life was finished.

He cornered her.
And took away the thing she had been saving for someone else.
Took away the thing she was told defined her.
Ripped away her innocence and penetrated her self-wealth.
She fought. Hard as she possibly could, she fought
but he just wouldn't let her go
he had his way with her and when he was done,
she was in shock. She couldn't speak and the tears continued to flow.

Out of fear and out of realization,
she never told anyone who it was.
She knew him. And he knew her.
But she hadn't expected this, to be something he was capable of.
And so she carried that with her -
the pain, the anguish, and what he'd left behind.
And she was terrified, so terrified.
She almost lost her mind.

She asked her Savior why,
when she'd done nothing but her best to follow Him at all times.
What had she done to deserve this?
Was she guilty of some unknown or forgotten crime?
He had said He would protect her
if she gave Him her heart
then where was He that night
when her whole world and womb were torn apart?

She carried it.
And it grew. And she grew with it. And then it came to life.
And when she held the baby in her arms,
she teared up at the sight.
How could something so beautiful come about
from such an ugly happenstance?
How could something so precious have emerged?
Had this been part of God's plan?

The baby grew into a girl.
Two years old now, she favors her mother.
And the girl who bore the child, is a woman now
She's tried to move on, and leave the past unbothered
Sometimes it still comes back to haunt her,
when she thinks about her future
and sometimes she wonders if she's damaged goods,
if any future man will ever want her
But God told her that He's got her
and the proof lies in her arms -
the baby girl that created joy where darkness had been before
the victory that emerged amidst the evil formed against her,
and her Savior-given good luck charm.

#30in30 '14, Day 16: When The Honeymoon Ended

The honeymoon is over.

The champagne toast
and the white dress and the veil I lifted
and the laughter that left your lips when you
tossed your bouquet into the air
and my boys jabbing me in the ribs and rubbing it in
that you were the last woman I'd ever get to have sex with
and the cake we cut
and the first slice you guided into my mouth
and the dollop of icing that I swept up with a finger and placed on your nose
and the tears that fell down your face when we dancing
and the time I said, "I got you for life" and you smiled wide
and the look in your eyes when you said "I do"

It's all over.

We fought so hard.
We threw blows and jabs and uppercuts of disrespect
and at the end of it all, there was no winner
but both of our spirits and hearts were bloodied and bruised
We put our foot on the gas and rushed into the love part
but weren't quite ready for the speedbumps that life would bring
Weren't ready for the challenges, the disappointments, the disagreements
I was ready for who I thought you were,
not so much for who you might turn out to be
You saw what you hoped for me, and not my reality
When the honeymoon ended, so did we
Separated
From occupying the same space to a hotel room on the other side of town
because you needed to breathe
and I was prepared for arguments but not prepared to fight for
what I had promised before friends, family and God was mine forever

It's all over.

But a funny thing happened when the honeymoon ended and the storm came -
I remembered.
The first time we met, the first time we kissed
The first time I made you laugh, the last time I made you cry
The first time we made love and I heard you exhale that exhausted sigh
The dreams we shared, the secrets we kept
I remembered what I loved about you the most
and that reminded me that I couldn't afford to lose you
that no little thing was going to be big enough to tear us apart
if it was up to me.
So I drove home and before I could knock on the door, you opened it
And we embraced
and we talked it out
and we admitted we said things in the moment
and we said we should've prepared
We could've quit, but it wasn't worth it
Me losing you losing me losing us wasn't worth it
So we started late... but this time, we planned

The honeymoon ended.
But we did not.
We may not be perfect. But we just might be okay.

#30in30 '14, Day 14: Tiptoe/Creep

I must be tripping
Maybe even slipping
You know what you're doing - you're taking me under
This isn't happening
You already got something lasting
So what you are up to? And why am I so in-to it?

I guess I gotta tiptoe
tiptoe
tiptoe through the garden
Gotta sneak in through the backdoor
and slide right in next to you
Guess I gotta tiptoe
tiptoe
tiptoe, so your man never finds out
what we're up to

I'm better than this, I know
I would never ever stoop this low
and if it was me, I'd murder out of jealousy
but when it comes to you,
I'm always doing dumb things
and you knew just what to do to seduce me

I should've never looked in your eyes
I should've never let you appeal to my mind
I should've made you stop when I still had time
But then the clothes came off
and your lips met mine
and I fell right under your spell

So now we tiptoe
tiptoe
tiptoe in dark spaces, our faces
meet, I never thought I'd be the one to tiptoe
tiptoe
tiptoe, taking a taste of something that's already claimed
and it's a shame
I know we're going to get caught one day
but until we do, when it comes to you, I'm always down to play

#30in30 '14, Day 13: Didn't Stay Through

It's gotta be an act of cowardice,
to claim you've had my heart for years
but remain silent about it
I thought I outgrew it
thought I was over the time I could've had you
and then I blew it
Wonder if you knew it
Doubt you did
Because back then, we were both still kids
Your eyes were on diamonds, both cut and crafted
I was the rookie with no game, just trying to get drafted
But, we met halfway with words
Game recognized game and you could throw together subjects and verbs
with the best of them
A poet, breathed life into verses so everybody could hear it
A walking psalm, because God led your spirit

I watched you over time, grow into something amazing
I saw it when it was just breaking out, the spark before the blazing
They noticed you after the fact and you loved the attention
You were a force on your own but status got you mentioned
Sisters were genuine, can't say that about others
Dudes saw you on the surface and couldn't wait to get you under the covers
And you, you loved so hard it made you blind at times
You fell so hard that, even when you saw the lies, you justified
actions and things you wouldn't otherwise
They saw your curves and didn't see your heart
It got on my nerves but I stayed away and played my part
You even fell in step with a friend of mine
I didn't judge you, but in that moment, I accepted you'd never be mine
They hurt you and you kept trying to convince 'em
Guess I'm hurt, too, since I'm still trying to convince you

Still, it's my blessing just to see you blessing
others with your kind demeanor and your positive message
Lesser beings would have quit a couple miles back
but you kept on running because you believed in that
and you believed in Him
and he never once led you astray
put you on my path, but never with intentions to stay
Some people are only meant to be your friends
I wanted more for us, but He had different plans
So from a distance I root for you,
play the background even as I hope the best for you
I used to wonder why I never tried
Hide my feelings in this poem, and if you never read it, I can say
I made my effort, but even I don't believe that lie
So I guess here's hoping you see it
and if you don't, it's just another sign it wasn't meant to be

#30in30 '14, Day 12: Trust Exercise (The Theme Music)

I saw the light in my darkest moment
God told me to keep going
And I was like, "Why? Haven't I been through enough?"
He said, "I built you to be tough
I built you to be strong
Now, just trust me and hold on"

The mind is a terrible thing to waste
but it ain't a terrible thing to pray
When it seems things ain't going your way,
it's been a month's worth of "it just ain't my days"
Sometimes you gotta hand over the keys
and let Him back in the driver's seat

The fear of failure used to get me bad
Forgot what happy was, all the time I spent being sad
to say nothing of how quick I was to get mad
Short temper, I used to be able to control it
Money, I used to be able to hold it
Suddenly, everything was slipping out of my fingers
Not even shades of what I had would linger
And I was like, "Well, what'd you give me all of this for
If I had it one minute and then the next it disappears?"
And that's how I carried my life,
being mad at my Creator for a couple years

It's funny because the more I tried to keep my distance,
the more God kept showing me how much I need Him
I racked my brain searching for the reasons
Whole time, He was showing me that things come in seasons
I was like, "If I'm supposed to have it, why don't you give it to me?"
and He insisted, "Oh, it's coming - just be patient with me"
And I was mad because He lacked my sense of urgency
When really, He saw through the desperation in my pleas
"If I follow you, why you denying me?" I dared to ask
"You say I'm blessed, so why you trying me?" I put Him on blast
and He had every right to let me go
for taking it personal every time he told me "No"

But I get it now - it was a tough lesson
I thank God He was patient with my stubbornness til I got the message
He knew I'd abuse it if it came too soon
that's why He gave me and my dreams breathing room
I wondered why I was always fighting sleep
I doubted His arms would be waiting when I took that leap
But this faith thing, I'm learning, is a trust exercise
and all I can do is thank Him for opening my eyes
before it was too late.

#30in30 '14, Day 11: Size Matters

I've outgrown this shit.

Or perhaps it has outgrown me.
That's the only explanation for why I feel stunted,
like everything else around me is evolving.

The things I used to make valuable,
are worth less and less every day.
And the people I used to make time for,
well, they have all gone off and made their own way.

And here I stand alone at the crossroads,
or perhaps alone on an island fits better
I never prepared for this moment because
I always thought I was destined for good weather

I didn't expect life to turn out this way
I didn't know I'd be stuck where I am
I thought good people got rewarded for doing good things
I didn't know "good" was something relative

The measuring stick reminds me often
that I'm not where I need be
I've grown up a lot in some ways,
but I'm still not quite satisfied with me

Nothing is harder than the battle you fight with yourself.
No other enemy, no other obstacle is as difficult.
It exploits your weaknesses and insecurities because it knows them,
because it knows you. Because it is you.
You're stranded and feeling abandoned because this doubt that you've
let manifest and grow in yourself for years
is now fully realized and taking aim and firing everything at you
Fuck the world - your self-worth is something you're still struggling to conquer
meanwhile, everyone else you know, they're all appearing to prosper.

You just want to break even, but it's never enough.
Evolution is tough and accomplishments mean nothing
when you're afraid you'll never measure up.

30in30 '14, Day 9: The Girl With The Red Hair

Her hair was Red
and she loved to ride round her 'hood
in a scarlet car with the top down,
90s R&B blasting through the speakers
Versatile shoe game, slick heels and slicker sneakers
They tried to "say, lil' mama" her when she walked past crowds
She rolled her eyes and stayed quiet, but the bounce of her ass was loud
It went up and down in rhythm, and dudes bobbed their heads along to her beat
She was tough on the outside because she had to be
This world would shred her spirit to pieces if she ever appeared weak

She had battle scars, some visible but most not so much
She'd left many a chalk outline behind of men who hadn't measured up
But she was just as much a victim as she was homicidal with her curves:
every failed suitor made her patience short. It was bad for her nerves.
The most blessed amongst us face the most tests,
and she wasn't about that settling life - she didn't know what it meant to rest
But if you looked beneath the surface, if she let you in,
you'd discover the passion and the perseverance that lied within

But dear Red had a secret: she'd never been in love
She'd had a few flings and flirtations, but she'd never met The One
She didn't want Prince Charming, she preferred a man with flaws
She didn't need perfection - just consistent affection
would make her drop her panty draws
She didn't care about a dark past: she knew she could light up his life
All she wanted was a good-looking, motivated opportunity
for whom she could be Mrs. Right
She wanted something genuine - a challenging task, with everybody being somebody else
but themselves
But if you were real with her, she could be coaxed out of her shell
She might be short with you, but it came from a good place. She meant well

There goes that red-haired girl on her mission again, so focused and yet detached
Working hard yet ever searching for that which she wants most: a relationship that's built to last

#30in30 2014, Day 8: Ode to The Green Light

I was always attracted to things I couldn't have.
I guess that makes me a masochist.
I used to didn't know, what it meant to quit.
I used to fight for something if I really wanted it.
But I got tired.
I got exhausted and discouraged when my efforts got ignored
and now I can't go back to the naive person I was before -
the one who believed that love was worth fighting for.
I say I'm over this feeling, and yet here I am back again.

Of course I would fall for someone
that is out of my league, out of my stratosphere,
on a different wavelength, the type to ask "what are you doing here?"
But I always saw potential
in the girls that never so much as looked my way
convinced I could convince them if I just found the right words to say
I just kept it genuine - spitting game was never my forte
Yet every time I went after them, they simply laughed or pushed me away
And from a distance I watched them weep, since they wouldn't let me close
as others broke the things I wanted because they things THEY wanted, were poorly chose

Maybe it's easier to select the types
that I know will shut me down
because I've gotten used to the rejection every time I come around
And maybe I like the heartbreak even as I complain
because I've grown complacent and don't think things will ever change.
You can't make somebody love you, but maybe you can make them take notice

Just like Gatsby from across the sea, reaching out at his object of longing
knowing there was so much time he'd lost, but hoping that his belongings
would make her look in her direction, if only for a moment's time
to capture her gaze forever. So, too, was that desire mine:
to captivate and stimulate this lovely thing, this beautiful Green Light
that I knew would never notice me. And yet, I foolishly persevere and try.

#30in30, Day 7: Where There's Smoke

Somebody once told me, where there's smoke, there's fire.
I see the flames in her eyes and yet I keep getting higher.
It's something about her - a passion untamed.
I'm attracted to the heat of her, I just can't stay away.

I know she can't be trusted, I know what her type is like.
Her anger is as quick as her wit, and she loves to fight.
Her tongue spews lies and ether, yet serenades seductively as well.
There's an angel beneath it all, but to reach it, you gotta go through hell.

I ask myself if it's worth the journey, if I'm risking my life,
if I'm risking everything I've worked hard for, just to be that guy
because her walls are enticing, yet dangerous to scale.
Am I attracted to her because she's sexy or because I know I'll fail?

Many men have come before me, and all of them have been burned
You'd think with all the victims she's left behind, from them, I'd have learned
instead, I want more - I want to be engulfed
I want to tempt the dragon. I want to be a part of it all.

Where there's smoke, there's fire. And her heat is calling me.
I may be reduced to ashes afterwards, but for now, she's what I need.
Destruction in a dress with pitch black eyes and dark lipstick that reveals white teeth.
Destruction that may be my demise, set me aflame: I welcome thee.

#30in30 2014, Day 6: Hurt Angle

To the woman who would give me an opportunity now -
don't do it.
Run while you can.
I should come with a warning sign to be honest.
"Steer clear" or, better still, "Do not enter."
Everything you've asked for, I lack.
Consistency.
Integrity.
Honesty.
Commitment.
I take that back.
I am willing to commit to you, but that isn't enough.
I am not enough.
You want
Money
Power
Status
I am none of that.
And because I don't have this, you will see me as wack.
So why bother?
Why waste time that neither you nor I can ever get back?
I am not the answer to your problems,
the addition to you that will create a sum of one
everlasting and enduring couple.
I may, in fact, be a sign of your addiction -
your obsession with broken men whom you think
you can patch up and reassemble into your own personal FrankenSoulmate
That's not me.
And I refuse to be your project.
Why would you invest your construction in something
that's so devoted to its path of self-destruction?
That's me, sweetheart -
trouble and danger.
Not because I have a bad side.
But because I lack the best, I'll bring out the worst in you.
You will see me, and you might wonder.
Don't let your imagination get the best of you.
I am exactly what you see and nothing more.
I can't change the beliefs and assumptions you had about men before.
It's not me. Not right now. Maybe not ever.
Color me pessimistic, but I'm not what you're looking for
if you're searching for forever.
Look but don't touch.
Engage but don't be engulfed.
Appreciate but don't love.
I'm neither your dream nor your nightmare.
But I'll just let you down like the rest of them.
For your own sake, just steer clear.

#30in30 2014, Day 2: The Grand Canyon

She's within my arm's reach, yet so far away from me
Crazy how we can sit across from each other at this table
and yet the distance between us is much more vast than
woodframe separating two chairs
Is it possible to care for someone so much that you accept
they'd be better off without you?
So the closer she gets, the further you push her away
She's stubborn, like most Tauruses are
She'll change her mind so quick when it comes to her outfit
or which lipstick to wear when she's out with her friends
but when it comes to you, she's not letting go
She's invested too much time and too many years, she says,
time and years she can never get back
and you have to respect that, or at least respect her

The dreams
The picket fence with a backyard for the kids and six-figures
The wedding dress and the way she teared up under the veil
before you lifted it
The honeymoon that began overnight and lasted for a lifetime
bridges burned, rebuilt, destroyed, repaired
the struggle and the victory lap when you emerged into the light together
after facing the darkest of moments
The opportunity to seal up old wounds left behind by the past
in a future that is built to last
The key to unlocking the trust
the perfect partner to live out all of your fantasies of lust
I could have it if I wanted it
If you really wanted it
If I really wanted it
It's within arm's reach - so close

But in that small space between us lies the Grand Canyon
A deep chasm, jagged rocks, an open mouth waiting for me to take that leap
so she can demolish and devour me the minute you fall.
I'm afraid the minute I open up, the walls will close in on me.
The only thing scarier than love itself is discovering
that your effort may not be enough to make up for their lack thereof.
So with an arm outstretched, I play keep away with my heart and hers
Because it's safer that way.
That way nobody gets hurt.
That's easier to believe than in love itself.