Blood On My Hands

Got this blood on my hands and I can't wash it off
Who would have ever thought
I'd be the type that could ever break a heart?
Sad thing is, I warned her from the start
Told her I'd never hurt her,
but I couldn't guarantee it
Told her I didn't have the potential -
she didn't believe it
And I wish she hadn't had faith in me
I wish she'd never made me ever want to see
What I was capable of, what I could become
if I really wanted to be

Couldn't trust her with my secrets
Didn't want to give her ammunition
She poked and prodded my soul,
forced me to share my ambitions
Demanded her honesty, and she was always was
On my part, I only gave her just enough
I just knew in my heart, that if she knew, she'd only judge
How you tell somebody that you're scared of love,
when you want it, but don't think you're good enough?

Another casualty, another body laid to rest
It wasn't war, but gotdamn if it didn't feel like a test
And I failed it, and I failed her
She, should've been the one I met earlier
Felt like I was chasing her but she wanted to be caught
Never wanted my ghosts to be the ones haunting her thoughts
I just wanted to protect her, because I knew it wasn't ready

Damn her, for making me want to be, though
Damn her, for taking me back to a place I swore I'd never go
Damn her for making me stare in the mirror like this,
for making me open up the safe, for making me wish
that I was stronger in my mind, more confident in my heart
to give someone like her all my very best parts
and, perhaps, some of the worst too
Damn her for making me vulnerable, for making me hurt, too
She made me feel amazing when I felt like I wasn't supposed to
She made me confront my self-sabotaging ways
Damn her, for seeing something in me that was great.

#30for30 '15, Day One: She Is The Compass

I was covered in darkness before I found you.

Or was it you who found me?

Shrouded in pain, embedded in bitterness,

yet somehow you described me as "sweet"

And I guess you saw something

that made me worth the try

Or maybe you saw someone

and looked in his eyes

And you saw through it all

You saw through my writing and broke the facade

I wasn't faking, but the person I presented wasn't

accurate to the person bearing the gift

And you saw something in me

and dared me to live

And I wasn't quite dead but I was about to give

in

to the worst of the world

and for what? Because of money and girls.

Things I always lacked and

therefore, things I used to measure myself

Having one balances out the absence of the other,

but when you have neither, how can you take cover

from the shots fired your way?

I always felt like others laughed at my pain

and so I retreated - I hid within the words

and I smiled through the jokes and my heart took the hazing

and with everyone so far ahead of me, I wondered

what's the point in me even racing?

And then you came

and interrupted everything.

Somehow, in spite of my intention to resist,

you broke through the barrier and placed the sweetest kiss

on my lips and reminded me

that sometimes, the darkness gets lonely.

And I can't say for sure

that you've brought me back to the light

but I am absolutely certain

that everything I feel with you is absolutely right.

Because of you, I was reminded that this

... THIS, is what love is supposed to feel like.