#30in30 2018, Day 10: My Existenz Az A Writah

I’m supposed to bare my soul

To these people?

Bare my body and leave my heart exposed 

To these total strangers 

Who hit a like or share like they really love me

But really, as they reading, they judge me

Never walked in my shoes

Never experienced the stories

My own family don’t know these memories

I’m entrusting to people I’ve never met once

The woman I’m feeling don’t even know

I’m feeling her

But I’m telling unknowns how she make me feel

That’s surreal 

How do I even know if you people are real?

I must be crazy or out of my mind

To let total strangers into my mind

To look in eyes of those I claim to love and lie

Then turn around and put the truth in writing

And pray that strangers read between the lines

Layer corny rhymes and skeptical dialogue

That I’d never dare let friends to see first

They’d laugh and make me feel the worst

Hell, you might laugh at me too

But I won’t have to face you

I can put it on a screen and let you imagine

That I’m driven or romantic, Teflon or fragile.

To let total strangers see the real you

And hope they don’t deem you naive, 

foolish

untalented 

Or a coward.

It’s crazy. But that’s my existence as a writer.

#30in30 2018, Day 9: The Middle of Nowhere

This feels like the middle of nowhere

Stuck in this space

This place

Knowing I can’t fall down

But scared I’ll never rise up

Have I gotten comfortable?

Have I accepted things will be

This way forever and never change?

I don’t know when I got used to apathy

My many missions and my ambition

All fell away

Will I always stay

Consistent only at being ordinary

If I want more,

Will my spirit get broken like before?

I like the safety of it all

But if I’m always afraid to fall,

If I make peace in the middle of nowhere 

And there’s a better me out there somewhere, 

I may never get there

#30in30 2018, Day 8: Past Tense

A wise man once said,
"You can't repeat the past."
And yet all these years have passed
and I haven't gotten out of my head
That night we laid awake in bed,
after a third round that went quite fast
and I held you hoping the moment would last
Not knowing something was coming that I'd regret

You told me that you liked me
But liking me was not enough
Because liking me was not love
and without love, we weren't meant to be
You felt I was blind - I could not see
Your vision was long-term, you couldn't trust
me to see it through - you didn't want to fuss
So I took your words with me to sleep

We fell apart, of course, as you wished
Time flew by, you built a life
with someone you were more attracted to - a more stunning sight
And I always wondered if you ever missed
our memories, our many things, the way we used to kiss
But why would you, if I wasn't worth the fight?
After all this time, I still carry your words from that night
If I could not be "it" for you, how could I ever be anyone else's bliss?

#30in30 2018, Day 7: Blue Lives Matter

They just took another one of us
Black boy playing in the street
Wasn't doing a thing
Wasn't bothering nobody
And then they rolled up, took him down
Like they thought nobody was around
Then we heard a gunshot
His body ain't move
And who could ever prove
that he ain't resist arrest?
For all we knew he fought back
That's what the police account said
But the community watched
Saw the bullet go through his head
Saw the blood pool on the street
His body laid there for hours
Like they were sending a message
the bastards the gotdamn cowards
He was only a child
The news called him a "young man"
The news got pictures of him scowling
Like he never smiled in his life
Called him a hoodlum cuz he comes from the hood
but he stayed out of trouble, he always been good
Their body count rising, our numbers keep falling
They keep on walking, bad news keep on calling
Are they protecting us or just serving themselves?

#30in30 2018, Day 6: Forget Me Not

You've come so far
from where we started
I've watched your star
I've watched you win hearts
You've gotten fans and
People crowd the stage for you
And that's cool

You're ascending because you're amazing
I always knew you'd make it
But the higher you go, I worry you'll forget me

Our neighborhood was small
but your dreams were big
At times, you doubted
but I never let you quit
You loved the music and
Now the music loves you back
And I am glad

Is this jealousy? I know what you mean to me
Seeing you win is a beautiful thing
I just hope you don't leave me behind

#30in30 2018, Day 5: Sorry You Had to Find Out on Instagram

If you love me for real,
then I hope that you'll let me go
Because this right here,
thought we had something, but maybe we don't

Made so many memories
For me
and you
in my head
But lately been feeling like
for me
and you
the feeling is dead

If you give a damn like you say you do,
you'll agree with me that we're through
Used to love looking in your eyes
Now I can't even stand the sight of you

I thought I found my One forever
That you
And I
were meant to be
But it's because of your selfish actions
that you
and I
can't recover - it's over

#30in30 2018, Day 4: How Many of Us Have Them

Let’s talk about friendship 

And what it means at the core

Does it mean that people you call friends,

Are people you’d do anything for?

Or are you treating em like trading cards,

Where your friends are only friends as far

As they can introduce you or take you places?

But really, though - at 32, it’s crystal

Can’t call everybody friend 'cause not everybody with you

People you called Day Ones, ain’t Year 32s

And people you’ve only known a year 

Seem more loyal and supportive than the ones you known for years 

(Who rhymes “year” with “year”?)

But still, though - 

what’s the forreal difference between a friend and a foe?

One studies your strengths and the other

Knows all your weaknesses

Thought only enemies would envy me

But then discovered folks I rooted for to win,

Were only rooting for the end of me

Is that what they mean by friendly fire?

You in the crosshairs 

When the thing you’ve looked forward to FOREVER, is to share

The spoils, the rewards - how could I be so selfless?

Tried to feed the friends I considered family

Maybe I should’ve been selfish

They say we choose our friends, our friends don’t choose us

But friends turning Brutus, is how friends lose us

Thought friends supposed to have your back, not stab you in it

Honor what y’all built, like that mattered in the beginning

Friend, respect me enough to betray me to my face

Wasn’t blood, but could’ve been - now a total stranger. 

What a tragedy. What a disgrace.

30in30 2018, Day 3: Coming Off The Bench

I miss that old feeling
The excitement I got when I met someone who had potential
I get sentimental
Thinking bout laughter and learning about things she thinks matter
And then I remember
Revisit my mental and then I get sadder
Remember the hurt and the hate and the staying up late
Thinking bout what I said wrong
And can it be made right
But I think I miss that feeling, too

I miss checking in
And saying good morning
And saying good night
And "Have you heard this song?"
And "Babe, you just crossed my mind"
But people these days waste your time
They chuckle at your effort
You question if it's desperate
If doing the least is doing too much
And if doing the most, will still not be enough
And am I even capable of opening her eyes?

But I think I miss being willing to try

#30in30 2018, Day 2: What Harvey Left Behind

I hear the raindrops.

I hear the thunder.

It's dark outside

It makes me wonder

"Is it coming back?

It can't be coming back.

We already survived that.

It can't be coming back."

Y'all hear that water?

coming down harder

Used to be peaceful

Even used to set a mood

Now when I hear that water,

I get the blues

Still thankful it ain't hit me

But I remember the news

Trina flirted with us

Rita was a tease

We thought the next one was a joke

But he just laughed at us.

Thought we could walk on water

He was drowning us

I didn't work for days

But others ain't have a home for months

Before that fucking storm,

I used to love the rain

But nowadays, 

I see grey clouds and can't unsee the pain.

#30in30 2018, Day 1: Set A Tone

Cafe au lait

Chocolate

Coffee bean

Cinnamon ting

Amaretto cream

Burnt sienna

Mocha brown

Golden crown

Yellow with the white bones

Black girl, I love your skin tone

You pop

Shine

Glow

Stick in the mind

Your melanin, precious metal

Protective yet easy on the eyes

Critiqued all the time

It’s just envy from those

Whose best they can do is a tan

Your haters are fans

Some say they love the light

But your dark skin is just right

I hope you always fight

Back your self-conscious confessions: 

Cause your complexion’s perfection