30 at 30 Freestyle

Here it is, just past 8 on the 8th
Four hours left, the twilight of my 30th birthday
Fear hours are fewer, awaiting my worst days
Feeling like three decades brings me closer to the last of my earth days
But I said I'd be positive this year - back to the first place

Humbling, because only God knows what's next for me
Can I be strong enough to weather the tests for me?
I barely got to 2016 in one piece
2015 was rough - I survived it but I'd rather not repeat
Because it's too many counting on me, to succumb to defeat
And in my head, I'm like, "Damn, I should be so much further"
So much I had on my agenda, it's like my dreams were murdered

And at my own hands, I ruined my own plans
But the time for pity has passed - time to become my own man
A grown man, even at times I'm afraid of being alone, man
I got comfortable being single to keep from getting hurt
Then I met her in the Spring, and she saw through my worst
The one from 2014 I backed down from, she was too good to be true
This one was, too, she just came out of the blue
Felt my demons would scare her - she insisted on staying
And when we first started talking, I insisted on praying
It was like I hated and loved the effect she had on me:
how she read through my defenses and still somehow believed in me
I wasn't used to it - I questioned her motives mo-stly
Loved the feeling of being liked, but wanted to take it slowly
But she showed me,
that some things you can't put off for too long, without the risk of
losing
She had plenty of options yet I was the one she was choosing?
It was confusing
So I pushed her away, like all the others since 2010
Because though I felt ready now, I was still haunted by then
She made me realize that I actually wanted a partner
By the time I got it, it was too late - I'm shocked we're still even
friends

Speaking of friends, I'm dead last in the race with mine
Everybody got battles, but I'm the only one that seems to be losing mine
losing time, in the process losing peace of mind
can't trust people without thinking they want a piece of mine
They want the words, but not the man attached to them
Compliments, I deflect, because I'm never a match to them
Wishing they saw me in the same light
ain't no sunshine when I'm on - I'm a literal Dark Knight
My circles, the people that I treasure most
in one, I feel so outta place; the other, I can't take jokes
All people I admire, I once thought I inspired
They've all ascended and I'm still here, defeated and tired

2016, I said I'd fight through it,
write through it
Dreams in a coma, I'd said I'd revive life to em
I admit - it sucks when you're rarely noticed
and who's to say they pay attention, enough to know this?
30 is scary but I can't afford the blues now
From Burnt Orange to Cougar Red, I got something to prove now
And if you were with me in the beginning, I promise moves now
For those who got here conveniently, I'm okay if I lose you now
If you ever read these words, just know I come in peace
I won't hold grudges any more - I'll give you room to breathe
I won't suffocate you, I'll pick my battles better
and hope that you're with me in both sunny and stormy weather

This is me at 30, and I promise to be great
be unselfish, be focused and think straight
Be the example to my sisters, a good one, at that
Be a better son to my mother - she deserves that
And be stronger than ever when it comes to opposition
I'm not afraid now - I welcome the competition
I've exceeded my limit, I was supposed to stop at 30 lines
But this year, I crossing the finish line, on my own time.